Tell me a little bit about your history of substance use?

I started drinking and smoking weed at 13 years old, and by 15 I was doing cocaine and hallucinogenics. I was never a normal drinker, a black out drunk from the start. I suffer from anxiety and when I drank, I felt like I could be the brave and outgoing person I wanted to be. Cocaine is a big part of my story but it was more of a social thing for me. Alcohol had its grip on me. Once I had that first sip, I just couldn’t stop.

How did you know you needed help and what led to the circumstances around going into treatment?

When I was 20, I got a minor in possession and was forced to go to drug and alcohol classes. I really connected with the counselor, and she had quit drinking at 27. I asked her if she would start seeing me one-on-one. She was the first person I admitted to that I had a problem with drinking. Unfortunately, it took me ten more years to accept that I was an alcoholic. For most of my drinking I was a binge drinker. I would drink heavily Thursday through Sunday, have a debilitating hangover Monday and still feel like crap Tuesday. On Wednesday I would get all of my laundry done and take care of some responsibilities but by Thursday I was off to the races again. This pattern went on for years. After two years in an extremely toxic relationship with another addict, my drinking started to substantially progress. I started dinking every day – before work, at work and the second I got off work. Things started getting extremely dark and I was terrified of myself. I got in three car accidents while very intoxicated and walked away without any consequences. I was terrified I was going to hurt someone else or myself. I told my family that if I didn’t get help, I was going to die and I truly believed that.

What kind of treatment did you receive?

On July 13, 2018 I went to CeDAR which completely changed my life. I was only able to stay in inpatient for 18 days because of my insurance. I started IOP in the evenings at CeDAR the day after I checked out and completed the three-month program. I got a sponsor and worked the 12 steps of AA. At six months sober I became a UC Health volunteer and started helping with alumni services. After working the steps, I worked the 12 traditions, started sponsoring and worked the steps again. I go to three to four AA meetings a week. Another thing that has been extremely helpful for my recovery is regularly seeing a therapist every other week.

What did you learn in treatment that was helpful?

I think one of the most significant things I learned in treatment was that I wasn’t alone. CeDAR introduced me to a community of people that experienced the same hardships and struggles as I did. My roommate in CeDAR is now one of my dearest friends and I am forever grateful for her friendship. I also fell in love with morning meditation at CeDAR. Meditation has been extremely beneficial by helping me quiet my racing mind.

You are THREE YEARS sober on July 11th. Congratulations! What has kept you sober?

• Community is EVERYTHING! If it wasn’t for the fellowship and people I’ve met in this program, I don’t know if I would have been successful up until this point.
• Finding a higher power and giving up control.
• Being of service. When I am feeling off, I try to be of service to someone else and that gets me out of my head.
• Sticking to what works: Meetings, therapy, fellowship, working with my sponsor and sponsoring others.
• Healthy diet and exercise.
• Nature is my happy place. It brings me so much peace and joy.

What have been some challenges over the years to staying sober?

Dating! I did not listen to the suggestions about not dating before I was one year sober. Dating has been difficult but I made a commitment to myself that I would never drink over another person and I have been able to keep that commitment thus far. I try to find purpose in every relationship and I don’t regret any of it.
Summertime has always been hard for me. I still get somewhat triggered by outdoor patios or BBQ’s where people are drinking.

How have you dealt with triggers and challenges?

• When I was struggling with someone I was dating I would talk about it to my sponsor, my therapist and a friend in the program.
• One really helpful tool for me to use when triggered is to “play the tape forward.” When I am triggered, I play out what would follow if I took the first drink. Once I do that it becomes clear to me that it’s 100% not worth it, and I move on with my day.
• Knowing when it’s time to go. I still hang out with friends who drink heavily and I am totally ok with leaving a situation I don’t feel comfortable in.

What advice would you give to people who are newly in sobriety?

• I would remind people new in sobriety that they’re not alone. Find a community of people who really want to be sober and stick with them.
• Work a program. It doesn’t matter what program you choose, just work it like your life depends on it.
• Let go of unhealthy people in your life and set boundaries.
• Explore your spirituality.
• Talk about your feelings.
• Remember SELFCARE is so important!